november & jess

rainy days & finn

creativity & pain

I had my current work deeply criticized the other night. By someone close.

>> It's just mediocre anymore.

>> You're not producing what you could be anymore.

I never thought that a few words could cut so deep. Like down to the very foundation of your being. What I've fought so hard to get through would now be something that I can't even relate to anymore. Those murky depths would bring me to the surface but I could no longer swim back down to touch them. I found myself fighting this. What am I now? Who am I now? Will I eventually just lose everything? Will I wake up one day and just say fuck photography? What will I do then? The depths of the creative mind are so vast. The place I was a few years ago was nothing I would wish upon anyone, and those words made me furious. It's like some meaty food critic pissing over his slice of gourmet veal. It's not tender enough. It's not flavorful enough. Like the animal didn't endure enough for you already? If my success is dependent upon suffering, I don't want it. There are other ways.

I'll be the first to admit that my work has shifted. But my entire life has shifted. It's not coming from a place of such pain. It would only be natural for it to be a little lighter, a little less.. complicated. I don't have this constant tugging feeling anymore. I honestly don't feel compelled as much to do self-portraiture. I feel a bit uneasy when I look back on old photos. They are so personal to me. They tell a story that few will ever know. I leave them up because it is my story. It's deep, some of it provokes discomfort, but it's real. I think I needed those years to probe and pick myself apart. Like the cat who catches himself in the mirror and is like PSHHHWHOA who the hell am I? I don't want to chase something that may have just run it's course. It's maddening. Our lives are in constant flux, changing and taking on different forms. I think it's when we start fighting and struggling against that, that it starts to cause pain and breaks us down. I don't know where this path is going to take me, I have high hopes for it, but if I wake up tomorrow void of all creative inspiration, I have faith that something else will fill that space. Something good.

rise.

"Your fragility is also your strength." Pina Bausch, 1966

I woke up this morning to a quote in my news feed. ''Your fragility is also your strength'' This couldn't be more on point with what I've been feeling lately. I've been struggling with letting others in, and being comfortable in a vulnerable state. It's shitty. I still censor myself. It doesn't feel natural. And I've been wrestling with it. It's hard to get out of your head and see the bigger picture when you're caught up in a flood of details. I still feel like I'm navigating the seas of what my authentic self is. Is it too much? Am I okay with it if no one else is? I'm not sure why we're so hard on ourselves. I'm allowed to be in an incomplete state, as are the ones around me. There is beauty in being unflinchingly human. There is strength in admitting you are weak.

to feel deeply

I don't think I've ever been in a space before where I've been open to, and welcoming of, so much change. Good and bad. My life has been constantly shifting, redirecting, and reorganizing itself into something that feels like its more inline with my authentic self. I've had the most amazing people and experiences magically come into fruition lately. I remember a point where I couldn't even imagine it otherwise. I fought it for so long, threw my anchors down in a tumultuous sea only hoping that by fighting the current it would lead me to where I wanted to be. I've had this reoccurring dream over the past couple of years of swimming out in a fierce ocean only to get pummeled wave after wave. I'd have the same one night after night, fighting, drowning and relentlessly trying to come up for air. An obvious metaphor for the reality that I had been living. As I loosened my grip this dream started to become workable. I'd float out, still confronted with the same stormy sea, but when a wave hit I'd fall back in it, letting it carry me. Sometimes to the bottom, but never drowning. I knew that if I surrendered and just let it take me. I'd eventually be brought back up. Like seasons, life is constantly shifting. Taking us from high moments, to lows, and back again. The beauty in it is that it all serves a greater purpose. Like the sediment on a bottom of a lake. It's mucky, sometimes you can get stuck in it, yet it its rich in nutrients. I think our darker times feed and fertilize us so we can continue to yield these incredible blooms. I'm thankful for the depths that I've swam. It still takes a certain amount of self compassion and courage to navigate, but without these times I wouldn't appreciate washing ashore.

the fear that holds us back

I got together with my good friend, Jenn the other day. She's a local photographer and has always been a source of creative wisdom for me. It had been a while since we had seen each other, so when I arrived at her door I was greeted with the most welcoming smile. ''Come in, let's just sit for awhile''. Please. Whenever we get together I always feel like I'm hitting a reset button. There are a few people that I have in my life that I feel live on the same parallels. Jenn being one of them. We laughed about how we both decided to break out our film cameras, like on the same day. And how we weren't sure if the cut-throat wedding industry was where we were supposed to be.

I always feel like I get a brush up on my photography history when we're together. Jenn is constantly researching new and old artists, trying to see what makes them tick. What sets their work apart. We flipped thru a book on Sally Mann's iconic work and it got me thinking. There is something so candid about the work of some of the greats. It pushes the boundaries on what we perceive to be beautiful and challenges us to take a deeper, ruthless look inside of ourselves. I think it takes extreme fearlessness to open that part of yourself up to the world.

We spoke about shots that still seemed to float around in our minds. Would they be too much? How would they be received? I still have a deep-seeded fear about showing a lot of my work. Or even actually taking the pictures.

lancaster county magazine

Super stoked to get these amazing women up on the blog tonight. For the past month, I've been working closely with the talented Suzanne Long, editor of Lancaster County Magazine. She reached out to me back in July about a project involving several of our local city chefs and I couldn't be more thrilled. Each one of these women were just overflowing with spirit. It was easy to see why they had come so far in their careers.

Athena Fournaris, The Stockyard Inn

Athena has got to be one of the most kind-hearted souls. Her warm presence and soft tone immediately made me feel like I had known her for years. While setting up, we spoke about how we both gravitated more towards the simplicity in photography.

As we wrapped up, Athena insisted that Sue and I stay for lunch, on her. Seriously VIP treatment. We started with a summer fresh salad, the most mouth-watering lump crab cake, and then finished with a decadent slice of cheesecake. You could tell that this was her forte, as she seemed to almost float to and from the kitchen.

Stephanie Samuel, Sugar Whipped Bakery

I can't say enough about this gal. Steph is seriously as sweet as her cupcakes. Maybe sweeter. She had actually catered a wedding I was in back in May and killed it with the most spectacular spread of sugar-kissed creations. Steph relies on age old recipes passed down from her grandmother and mother. She isn't too heavy on the sugar; really letting the natural flavors of the desserts come through. Stephanie and her family operate the business out of a brightly colored food truck that you can find traveling from Lititz Farmer's Market to Musser Park.

Kristen Hottenstein, The Greenfield Restaurant

If you haven't been to the Greenfield lately you're in for a real treat. Kristin leads the wine program at the family-owned business has been quite busy revamping the restaurant into a gorgeous, contemporary dining space.

Corinna Killian, The Belvedere Inn

This little spitfire. I have to appreciate the blatant honesty going into these shoots. Upon meeting, Corinna was sure to tell me that she wasn't the serious-faced-photograph type. Right on.

Do you like beer?

Yes.

How about kickin' back on the patio with one?

Sounds about right to me.

Done.

 

Hilary Mace, The Scarlet Runner

This had to be up there with one of my favorite shoots. We met Hilary and her family at Sugar Mountain Farms in Washington Borough. When arriving, Sue and I were greeted with the most bountiful harvest of summer vegetables you ever saw. From multi-colored heirloom tomatoes, spring onions, gourds, and violet potatoes, the assortment was beyond impressive. If you're thinking about catering, be sure to check these guys out!

limits

Earth below me

Sky above me

Fire within me

Getting some old work up on the blog today. I feel like my limits have really been tested this week. Not so much with matters of the heart, but with how much I put out and receive. I want to be surrounded by others who are as invested, motivated and willing to bring themselves and others up to a higher plane. I'll be the first one to tell ya that life isn't a bucket of butterflies. It flat out blows sometimes. But if you're gonna proudly stand by someone's side when they're at their best. You better be willing to be down at their worst. I feel it's imperative that we honor our truth, however ugly or beautiful that may be, rather than attract the wrong people or circumstances into our lives. I'll always route for the underdog. The one that bravely faces each day, takes each challenge with the utmost grace and strives for bigger and better things. Each and every one of us deserves to be here and plays an integral part in this extraordinary machine that is life.

the appleford estate

I seriously love working with this guy. Dave Waddel of Siousca Photography asked me to assist him in photographing another wedding this summer, one of which was filled with the most mouth-watering photo opps. I always learn so much when working with Dave. This time he briefed me on the basics of film and let me hold the most glorious vintage Hasselblad camera. I can definitely see some film in my future ;) Here are a few shots I captured from the Appleford Estate in Villanova, PA.

of darkness and light

I don't know why this has been on my mind so much lately. Maybe because I've been diving deeper into how I want to portray myself, and my work. To be honest, July kicked my ass. The past two years have been a roller coaster of change. I thought I had passed the roughest part, only to be proved oh so wrong. Like the darkest, scariest cloud making one foul swoop. It took me off guard the other day and I couldn't help but think how much I censor myself. I've chose to limit what people see. They get the happy, free-spirited girl. Bright and limitless. And I began to think about how unfair this is. If you want to see who's really down and out in your life, it's in these times that will surely reveal that.

I want to live my life fearless, to love others past the point of being afraid. If it weren't for these times, I'm unsure how I'd view the world in another light. I believe we are made of both darkness and light. Good and bad. Each intrinsically complementing one another. As much as we don't want to be in the dark, it serves a purpose. It deepens our understanding, brings us closer to one another, and for lack of better terms, is completely humbling. I'm not sure if I'd take back all the BS in my life. It's brought me to where I am now. And, I'm starting to really like that place ✨

new beginnings

I got a new friend today. It was something I had been thinking about for awhile, but honestly had been scared to death of actually doing. This time was much different. I think I've spent the majority of my life looking for ''signs''. ''Divine inclinations'' that I should take whatever next step it was that I was supposed to. Certainly, it's easier to make a decision that way when you've thought it was already universally laid out for you. Somehow. If that makes any sense. Anyway, this time it wasn't happening for me and I began to sink down into a stagnant decay of stuck-ness. Again. Waiting for something, anything, to pull me out.

I woke up this morning in a full sweat, still entangled in dreams the night before. I knew that something had to change but the indecisiveness that had been frequenting my mind was putting up a good fight. I need a fuzzy friend. Something to love. Something that's not going to give two shits if I put makeup on that day. Or if, at times, I struggle with a heavy heart. Out of protection, I've pushed so much, and so many out of my life. Not on purpose, but more out of deeply-rooted habit. And all it has gotten me is alone. Point not intended. So this morning, I got in my car and drove an hour northbound. This time, I wasn't coming back without a damn cat.

When I arrived, a sweet woman came to the door to greet me. She had been fostering kittens for the SPCA and had quite the set up.  She told me about a little one that she had handled since he was born. We went down to her basement or 'kitten-tropolis' and she began showing me all of them. This little fluff came barreling out of his cage and started rough housing with the others. I knew I wanted a long-haired kitty, but everything else was a free for all. Shirley picked him up and handed him to me, he immediately went limp in my arms, purring up a storm. I'm not sure if it was the ''sign'' I wanted. But that was okay.

Our ride home was nothing short of a nightmare. Out of all the days it had to be 95 degrees, this was surely the worst. My AC was barely blowing luke warm air and we had an hour to go. Crying, I took him out of the carrier and put him on my lap. He looked up at me terrified, and in that moment I realized that I couldn't be anymore. I had this little life depending on me and if I freaked out, all it was going to do was upset him more. I looked down at him and promised that I would get him home safe, and that everything would be okay. That we would curl up in the AC as soon as I opened the door. We did. And I couldn't be happier. And in just the few hours that I've had this little guy, he's shown me what it's like to be brave, to take a risk and to open my heart again. 

erica + matt

These cuties. Erika contacted me a couple months ago about shooting her and her fiance's wedding next spring. In the mean time, she wanted to incorporate their love for the outdoors in an intimate engagement session so they could send out their much anticipated save-the-dates. Matt is originally from Oregon (Yeah, I'm a little jealous) So I thought, green. Lots of green. 

I think it's funny how we attract people into our lives. Like simply through pictures, your able to form these interpersonal connections. I immediately felt at ease when I met these two. Erika is soft spoken but has a fiery sense of humor. Matt, calm and reserved, was seriously the best sport, putting up with my crazy photo antics as we waited in the car for the perfect sunset...while Erika and I talked extensively about cats. I'm pretty sure the phrase 'awkward turtle' came up when we were shooting, and I love you guys for that. I seriously cannot wait until these two tie the knot in May. It's gonna be a killer wedding.

color + mood

This spring, I've been in the process of slowly getting a studio set up. I love shooting natural light but have always been intrigued by the control you have over an indoor setting. Yesterday, I promised myself that I would make a trip to the craft store to pick up a slab of fabric and a few fresh flowers in hopes of capturing something worthwhile. I love the depth jewel-tones provide, they always seem to edit so well and add such ''mood'' to a photograph. This picture was taken in front of a pine green muslin backdrop (which you can see showed up very well) and had two natural light sources (windows) coming from the right and back left. Getting there 🙏

arabian roze

It's been awhile since I've photographed any animals. While going through some old cards, I found shots from last summer that I took of a friends Arabian horse. I've only heard about how beautiful they were but never got to see one, fully dressed, in person. Seriously, one of the most stunning horses.

jacqueline

the golden hour

And there she stood

Of evening light

Torn between a winters' past

Or summer flight

boathouse row

I've been super slacking in the blog department lately. Was going through some work from last summer and found this gem of a wedding I had the pleasure of 2nd shooting with the very talented Dave Waddell of Siousca Photography. I'm not sure about other photographers but I love getting called to assist weddings. It always seems like an adventure. I've gotten to be apart of some pretty amazing nuptials and work with some top notch creatives. These were a few taken pre-ceremony at the esteemed Boat House Row in Philadelphia. 

delicatessen

I've been meaning to get these full-res babies up on the blog for quite some time now. Last year, I had the privilege of working with head Innkeeper, Debbie Mosimann in her kitchen at Swiss Woods Inn. On the menu for the day was her own secret recipe for Fig & Kumquat Scones. I mean really? Mind blown. Food photography has really caught my interest lately. From the diffused light and subtle textures, I think the simplicity of a rustic dish really taps into something primitive. And heck, food is something we can all appreciate!

Bon Appetite!

the senior sessions

I've been trying to catch up on a bunch of work from over the summer. Seniors are definitely up there with my favorite subjects to shoot. It's such a poignant time in a young persons life, and to be able to capture that is always special. I remember this day quite well. We were on the brink of November and it was starting to get especially chilly. After tossing some ideas back and forth, Justin, his mom and I decided that we would hit up Millport Conservancy. If you're not familiar, this amazing little piece of heaven sits on a nature preserve on the outskirts of Leola. I've driven by dozens of times but had never stopped to shoot.

Justin was seriously such a trooper. I have to laugh a little whenever I get asked to shoot senior portraits for guys. Because, you know they are never the ones behind the idea. Justin's mom, is a friend of mine and is truly one of the sweetest souls. I can't tell you how amazing it is to be able to work with people who just get you and your work. It really makes the whole experience that more worthwhile.

I mean look at this fella, model in the making.

guts

This week. I don't even know where to begin. It's made me take a deep and ugly look inside myself that's for sure. I can't believe how long I've been running on the notion that everyone's ideas and opinions have hierarchy above mine. It's still taking time, but I'm beginning to learn how to listen to that little ''soul whisper'' that lies within. I won't lie, it's been stifled for quite some time, but I truly believe we start to get to a place where we cannot afford to not listen any longer. I've been taking a lot of time out for reflection this year. Some major life issues have been resurfacing, almost to say ''we need your undivided attention now, before you can move on''. It's been incredibly painful but cathartic at the same time. I think I may be in the running for the most consecutive bubble baths.

I believe we store our memories and experience on a cellular level. Good, bad, it all travels along with us one way or another. I also believe in the process of renewal. Just as a broken tree limb will regenerate its branches, I think we are also in a constant state of ''shedding'' and ''ridding'' ourselves of those broken limbs. I believe that life/the universe/the divine, whatever you want to call it, wants the absolute best for us and will do whatever it takes to set us on that path of righteousness. ✌︎